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Old World Aviaries

Bad birds

The Bad Bird List is a list of phrases naughty birds should write on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write...

I will not demonstrate my affection by regurgitating while giving kisses!!!

I will not attempt to mate with my human's nightgown.

I will not barf in my human's beard, even if offering my barfed up lunch is a sign of love for a bird's mate.

I will not barf on my human's toes, no matter how much I think that they look like baby birds.

I will not decide after my bath water has been changed to relieve myself in it and then take my bath.

I will not jump into my humans' bowl of popcorn and poop.

I will not fly like I'm fully flighted just after a wing clip.

I will not mate with random piece of Kleenex, then fall over beak first and lie there gasping after my work is finished. (At least, not in front of company?)

I will not poop in my human's hair, down her back, etc., etc.

I will not poop in my water dish right after my human fills it.

I will not poop in the printer.

I will not poop into my human's open purse several times after escaping my cage, and leave it for her to find later.

I will not poop on my human's hand and then fly away, just because I can.

I will not poop on my human's new sofa.

I will not poop on my human's $150 silk blouse that has to be dry cleaned.

I will not poop on the bathroom fixtures and then fly away, leaving another bird to be blamed for my misdeeds.

I will not poop on the computer.

I will not poop on the keyboard (just an accident, honest).

I will not poop on the others in my cage, even if it's extremely funny and makes them scream.

I will not sit on the very edge of my T-stand and poop where it will hit the carpet.

I will not use picture frames as perches, then do my business right down the front of the picture - and same with the mini blinds.

I will not wait until the precise moment, when I am playing on the couch, and the husband says, "That bird is gonna poop everywhere!" and then you say, "Aw, he's a good boy. He won't do a no-no," to poop.

The basket of clean laundry is not my personal potty.

We will not humpty-dumpty with kids under 6 years visiting.

We will not conduct our hanky-panky sessions on the windowsill of the front bedroom window of our townhouse so that my human's adult and child neighbors (even before she has gotten out of the car when arriving from work) come running to ask just what it was exactly we were doing up on the windowsill a little while ago.

We will not get frisky in front of dinner guests.

Humans who wear glasses need them. I will not insist on attempting to remove every pair I see.

I shall cease doing my loudest scream in my human's ear right after I have snuggled up on her neck making kissing sounds and whispering I love you's into her ear. I also will not laugh my evilest laugh when she winces in pain and sits there with a dazed look on her face until she can hear again.

I will not acquire an attitude because my human filed my toenails and refuse to be touched, fed, etc. for days. I know she is just saving her shoulders.

I will not beg by hanging upside down with my wings outstretched at dinner.

I will not bite my human's children when she is holding me and they dare to come near us.

I will not bite my human's fingers while s/he's trimming my nails.

I will not bob my head and laugh when misfortune befalls my humans and they trip or drop things, nor will I fly over and circle above their heads and shriek wildly to add to the melee.

I will not climb in my human's hair when I have to go back in my cage.

I will not climb on top of my cage whenever the opportunity arises and dare my human to get me down.

I will not do the mating dance on my human's father's hand. (My father thought that he was dancing, so I had the embarrassing task of explaining the birds and the bees to him. Not a happy role reversal!)

I will not drop my treats through the mesh in the cage bottom and then beg for another one (20 times in a row!).

I will not escape and hide in the valance and refuse to come when called, making my owner fear I'm dead somewhere in the house.

I will not fall into a dark corner I cannot get out of then remain silent so my human can not find me.

I will not fly back and forth over my human's daughter who is afraid of me.

I will not fly down from the top of my cage then hide. This makes my human afraid that the cat, dog, or bigger bird has eaten me.

I will not fly into my human's friend's mouth. (This is a parakeet.)

I will not give my human kisses one second and next second give her the beak of death.

I will not indicate that I am finished with my snack by flinging my dish as far as possible.

I will not look high and low to locate a dried poop and then conspicuously chew on it to just to annoy my human and then fly off to make her come after me to take it away.

I will not perch on the top of my human's glass and dip my head way down in a take a drink (also leaving a little of what I ate last).

I will not play King Kong by hanging on the side of the budgies' cage. I am a Macaw, not a gorilla.

I will not put my head down to be scratched then whirl around and bite.

I will not scare senior citizens to death by flying on their heads and chewing on their jewelry.

I will not sit on my human father's shoulder as he is about to lecture my human and begin the preamble of the lecture for him.

I will not wait until my human has walked outside the house to start fights with my birdy brother inside my human's shirt, while we both scream and bite at anything indiscriminately, causing my human to bounce around and scream at us to cut it out, in front of company and the rest of the neighborhood.

I will not want to go to sleep at 1:30 in the morning and wake up at 5:00 in the morning.

It's not funny to imitate the telephone as soon as my human gets into the shower.

I will stop landing on shoulders unannounced, while owner is in the shower.

I will not help to wrap Christmas presents (sticky tape, feathers and paper don't mix).

I will not steal whole slices of toast off the breakfast plate and drop them butter side down.

I will not stick my beak into any unguarded cup of tea when I know it's not good for me.

I will not put chewed paper into my human's ear, then screech when it is rejected.

Ringnecks and Alexandrines should not enter the budgie cage and then complain about getting stuck.

Princess parrots do not fit inside budgie nest boxes.

I will not try to call the local Galah flock into the house through an open window, and nearly fall out in the process.

I will not walk around the house, hiding under beds and rushing out to bite toes.

I will not pull chunks of hair out when my person tries to disentangle me from the top of his or her head.

I will not object to the human's children getting a hug by biting at them whilst perched on a shoulder.

I will not chew glasses with the person still wearing them, just to get attention.

My human's purse, shopping bags. and back pack are not for my personal enjoyment, and I will not climb into them anymore.

When my human's back is at the pet store, I will not reach into her purse and pluck out one of her tampons and proceed to unwrap it and start shredding it. Likewise, when she leaves me in the car for a second, I will not climb onto the back of the seat, after garnering one of the above and proceed to play with it while people are looking into the windows, amazed to see such a bird and prompting them to ask my human when she returns to the car, "What is he doing?".

I will not wait for Mom to clean my cage and put in new newspapers to take my bath and soak everything.

And for bodily functions, I won't climb on the cages and poop on the budgies? It's a big poop for such little heads.

I will not attempt to amputate every mole, freckle or skin tab on my slave's face or neck.

I will stop dive bombing my slave's nose.


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