To: Master of the house
Subject: That Parrot
That Parrot is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call. And I've been there -- I know she can hear you. We need to face facts: It's time to get rid of that Parrot!
Before the Parrot's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area; but, whenever you cooked dinner, your children would slip me food under the table.
Now, though, the Parrot is allowed to jump on the table - actually physically walk on the table AND eat from your plate! You don't yell at the Parrot, you just pick her up and put her back on the cage. Or worse yet, you giggle and give her more! And I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me. When your are not in the room, she blows raspberries at me and laughs!
And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat byproducts you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the Parrot is being served fresh veggies and fruit - and she never consumes all of it! In fact, she throws over half of it on the floor! This means there are always little bits of delectable snacks lying all around. How can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's important?
Then there's play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they've driven past the house?
The Parrot is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one. But when I walk near, instead, she opens that big beak and nips at me! You'd have a fit if I tried that.
Do you realize that the Parrot goes to the bathroom in the house? She poops anywhere she pleases! Not in the drinking basins like you do – nothing is off limits when she's out or her cage! This can't be sanitary. I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture and carpeting. What are we going to say if visitors come over and want to sit on the couch and the Parrot has been using it as a toilet?
I'm not the only one who believes the Parrot is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster:
To: Master of the house
Please tell Parrot to stop staring at me while I work.
Signed: Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels
I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently they believe that everything happening outside their tank is some kind of reality-TV show. They feel all smug since they have a fitted sun roof over their heads.
I don't understand why the Parrot is allowed up on your shoulder and I'm not even allowed on your lap. I am far more cuddly than any stupid Parrot. I think her noises are unhealthy and may be a sign of Tourette's syndrome. And why does she get so many baths? She never does anything that remotely raises a sweat or gets her dirty or smelly. Yet you take her in the shower with you all the time and even sing to her! All I ever get is a cold hosing out in the yard - in front of the neighbors even!
And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll land beside me and start screeching like a fire alarm. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later, the other dogs smell her on me or spot a feather on my back and crack a lot of jokes at my expense. It's just not fair.
So you see dear master, I am not exaggerating. The Parrot has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet in this house.
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